Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. Isaiah 41:10

When I was a little girl, my family faced a terrible trauma. I was seven years old when my little brother, Ian, snuck away from a family gathering and accidentally drowned. The loss rocked my entire family, not just my household, but all my aunts, uncles, and cousins as well.

I am told that from the moment my brother was born, little me, at only two years old, set aside my toys and became enthralled with him and taking care of him. But now, as my family wrestled with the epic loss, I found myself surrounded by suffering and feeling all alone emotionally in our rural country home. Previously, I had already been one to jump up and try to entertain everyone, trying to get a smile. Now, I missed my brother and longed for when everyone could smile again.

Recently, I have become aware of the long-lasting impacts my childhood trauma made upon my mind. The loss of my brother and the joy in my home planted inside me a deep-rooted fear of being abandoned. This fear drove me to people-pleasing and a fear of conflict and disappointing others.

That fear grew into anxiety, and it led me down dark paths of perfectionism, legalism, and abusive personal and professional relationships. After much inner work, I came to understand that I had been acting according to co-dependence. Real co-dependence is when fear and anxiety take over every time you interact with others, and you abandon your own self to become what you think others want so that they won’t leave you. You distract yourself with staying busy meeting everyone else’s needs, and you never consider your own. Unfortunately, there are many people who are eager to find others who will excuse their emotional immaturity and allow them to pass their responsibilities on to someone willing to carry what they should carry for themselves.

So, so many years of my life were spent abandoning myself, and I justified it by wearing a badge of “nice person” and “self-sacrificing Christian.” However, I was not serving God. I was serving fear! When I wasn’t chasing down and slaying other people’s own dragons for them, I kept myself busy in a whirlwind of efforts to prove my worth to any who might notice. New hobbies, handmade gifts, health kick after health kick, striving to be beautiful, striving to be valued, striving to be wanted.

Finally, my mental health could no longer sustain these false paradigms, and when my world came crashing down and ugly truths came out, all of my steam was gone for pretending I was okay. I realized that my life had been built on fear! I wanted a life built on love, but I would never have it if I didn’t live in the truth! I realized it was time for me to get help. I needed guidance from a professional counselor who could help me build the skills I needed to stand up and be my true self, who God had created me to be!

I realized that my life had been built on fear! I wanted a life built on love, but I would never have it if I didn’t live in the truth!

I had done counseling before, and it had helped me, but it was still hard to make myself vulnerable again. But when I began opening my heart and spending time learning and healing, I found the truth of God’s love for me was so much more beautiful than any “love” I had earned from others by trying to become what they wanted.

When I spent time slowing my thoughts down with meditation, I was able to begin working on healing that little me deep inside my heart, who had been doing all she could all these years to try and protect us from being abandoned. I plopped her down in God’s lap, and I promised I would do all I could to stop myself from ever abandoning her again.

Lately, everywhere I look, I see people behaving fearfully. People hiding from their fears behind anger and hate. We’re more excited to pick sides and mount an opposition than we are to build bridges and invite people into the love of God. I don’t want to worship fear anymore. It’s a struggle for control that can never be won. God is the only one in control. He has called us to a higher mission than defending our own self-righteousness because we are afraid we’re losing control.

He has called us to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts and all of our souls and all of our minds. He has called us to love our neighbors as ourselves. He has not given us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.

– Dawn Michele

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“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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